WEEKEND LAUGHTER

 *Stolen from a Friend who stole it from someone else...*_

_*1.* When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

_*2.* To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it._

_*3.* Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight._

_*4.* It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles._

_*5.* The older I get, the earlier it gets late._

_*6.* When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago._

_*7.* I remember being able to get up without making sound effects._

_*8.* I had my patience tested. I'm negative._

_*9.* Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers._

_*10.* If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,  just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"_

_*11.* When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing._

_*12.* I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever._

_*13.* I run like the winded._

_*14.* I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on._

_*15.* When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"_

_*16.* When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?_

_*17.* I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited._

_*18.* When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."_

_*19.* Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out._

_*20.* Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere,  makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people  cops._

_*21.* My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb._

_*Which one is your Favorite*?_
*Have a great weekend.*