PUN 4 FUN

 

An ANNUAL PUN competition is held by the 'New York Times'.

This year's submissions:  

▪️I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.  
▪️England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.  
▪️Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
▪️This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore. 
▪️I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.  
▪️A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.  
▪️When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.  
▪️I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.  
▪️A dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and nail.  
▪️A will is a dead giveaway.  
▪️With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.  
▪️Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.  
▪️Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He's all right now.  
▪️A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.  
▪️The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.  
▪️He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.  
▪️When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.  
▪️Acupuncture is a jab well done.  That's the point of it.  
▪️I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.  
▪️Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?  
▪️When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.  
▪️When chemists die, they barium.  
▪️I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
▪️I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.
▪️Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
▪️Dad, are we pyromaniacs? 
Yes, we arson.
▪️What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled
▪️Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
▪️Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? 
Swarm.
▪️If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
▪️Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
▪️I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
▪️How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? 
A buccaneer.
▪️I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. 
I kneaded the dough.
▪️I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
▪️Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
▪️Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? 
Well, time will tell.
▪️When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
▪️Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
▪️I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
▪️I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. 
It’s all about raisin awareness.